Viddys That Inspire Me These Days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzgVy6Mj2Bw


http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/229


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk

Theatre of the Absurd

[Lights slowly up. 6:13am. Small studio apartment in Manhattan. Very small. Dorm-room small. Man, Woman and Little Dog lay sleeping in bed.]

"Ding."

[Four minutes pass.]

"Ding."

[Two minutes pass.]

"Ding."

[One minute.]

"Ding."

{Thirty seconds.]

"Ding."

[Five.]

"Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding......"

[Woman sits up. Turns off alarm and turns on a lamp. She pulls out her cell phone. Sets the alarm on her phone to vibrate 20 minutes later. She lays back down, phone in hand. Man gets up and crawls over woman to get to the bathroom. She doesn't move. The Little Dog at her side doesn't move. He comes back from the bathroom, crawls over her, changes his mind, crawls back, sets the alarm clock. He crawls back over her. Lays still for a moment, sits up, crawls over her again and stands by the bed thinking about what to do. He decides to wake her. He tries to get her to move. He finally tugs on her arms.]

M: Come on! Here you go....get up! No no no no no...

[She doesn't budge except to being pulled. Opens her eyes.]

W: WHY?!

[He gives up and lays down next to her. He decides to get up to turn out the light.]

W: [Mumbles.] You don't have to turn it off. It would be on anyway.

M: What?

W: It would be on anyway. [Pause.] If I were up.

M: But you're not up.

W: I will be. [Pause.] Soon. Very soon.

[He lays back down next to her. Long pause. He reaches up and adjusts the curtains drawn across the room to serve as a divider for the 'bedroom'. Another long pause. Her phone vibrates and she sits up. Man does too. She struggles as he pushes her out of bed. She stumbles to the bathroom. He lays back down. The Little Dog starts to wake up and nudge the Man. The Man tries to get the Little Dog to lay back down.]

M: [Still laying down.] Sit.

[Little Dog stares at him. Nothing.]

M: Sit.

[Nothing.]

M: Sit.

[Nada.]

M: Sit.

[Nope.]

M: [He sits up.] SIT!

[Little Dog sits. The woman peeks her head out of the bathroom, sees the face-off, goes back in the bathroom.]

M: Good dog. Lay down.

[Little Dog sits up and wags his tail.]

M: No! Sit.

[Little Dog sits.]

M: Good boy. Lay down.

[Little Dog sits up.]

M: Sit!

[Little Dog sits.]

W: [From the bathroom.] He probably needs to go outside. I'll take him in a second.

[Little Dog's tail wags. The man flops himself on his back. Pause. The toilet flushes.]

M: Are you running late?

W: Aren't I always?

[Pause.]

M: I'll take him.

W: No, honey. You always take him. I'll take him.

M: No, I will. You get to work.

W: [She pokes her head out again.] Thank you, hon.

M: [Man grabs Little Dog and rolls over.] I'll take him in a second. [Pause.]

"Ding."

[Man gets up, sighs and turns off alarm. He never got back to sleep. Man crosses to bathroom then decides otherwise and pours himself some coffee instead. He sits at computer with coffee. After a moment, music is heard from the computer. Man begins laughing. Little Dog sits at his feet.]

W: [From the bathroom.] What's that?

M: [Laughing.] Hmmm?

W: [Crossing to him.] What is it?

M: Oh. My friend from San Fransisco sent this. He noticed there were some lyrics in this song that we heard in an Easy-E rap when we were kids.

[Pause.]

W: Oh.

M: It's good, isn't it?

W: Sure.

M: You ok?

W: Yeah. [Pause.} Should I walk him?

M: No, no, no....I will.

W: I can, hon. I'm supposed to. I said I would.

M: I'll do it. [Pause.] You ok?

W: Yeah.

M: What's wrong honey?

W: Nothing.

M: What is it? [Pause.] What, hon?

W: [Almost crying.] I'm just so tired.

[Man slowly turns to audience. Deadpan. Lights out.]

Yeah....no...

Something I don't recommend:

Trying on bathing suits.

On a muggy, rainy day.

On your lunchbreak.

In Daffy's.

Wool skirt. Boots. Fishnets.

I looked like an insane, sweaty, homeless stripper.

And apparently cell phones work in the dressing rooms. I think the women on either side of me were on a conference call with each other.

Outside The Pox

Greg and I are signing a lease on our new apartment today. Our new apartment that took everything but a blood sample to secure. Thank goodness for our families. Thank goodness they like us. I am so excited I could spit.

I have a strange rash developing on my side. I've never been one to develop mysterious rashes. I think they are a funny punchline. Perhaps I'm being punished for that.

Logically, moving is a stressful endeavor but it never seems that way to me. I'm not always logical. I once counted how many times I have moved in my life and it equaled more than my age. Sure, there are good things about stability in your location, but I've never had that for more than three or four years and that was when I was a kid. I don't really know how to operate any other way. I like change. It's distracting.

Twice, when I was small and my parents were still married, my Dad planted me a willow tree in the backyard of our new house. When I go back to visit Dallas, I drive by those trees and know they were planted there for me. Those roots are a part of me, even if I don't call them home.

I appreciate the illusion of controlling my chaos. I remember my mother coming into my bedroom the morning after we moved and I had stayed up all night and completely unpacked everything. She was a little frightened of my tenacity but impressed. All of my Culture Club posters on one side, Michael Jackson on another and Duran Duran covered the rest and the ceiling. I admit that was my favorite part everytime we moved. Nesting has always been a part of my personality. Maybe not cooking, but finding twigs and putting them together just so. I dig that.

I've also always had a fascination with 'collections'. I was seven when my mother found a shoebox full of 'tiny scraps of paper' and threw them out. It was my sticker collection. Every beautiful sticker I painstakingly earned I had torn up into little pieces. My collection went from the hundreds to the thousands! Quanity, not quality boys and girls!

I wouldn't be surprised if over the years, in direct relation to all of the times I've moved, I've learned that quality is more important. Stuff is just stuff. You can always get more stuff.

If you can let go of good stuff, you can let go of bad feelings. Let us purge. Let us all find a simple, beautiful life.

Mine will be about collecting cardboard for the next month. Good thing I don't have a car and just had knee surgery. I'm also a little itchy.

BUT, I'm really excited!

Benji for President

Sometimes I get emails from my dog:

HelLo thE Qeuen

i aM SeNDign eMiaL tO ObmaMa. WahT dO Yuo Thikn?

DeEr OmaBma,

i Am Stwtrea,

i Thnik dOg Fud is mOsT ImpOtrNat issUe In Amekrica. DoG is manz BeSt frEnd. If DoG fUd bAd No mORE bsEt FrIeND. MaN No hApPy BecuAse hE nO hAve bESt fRend. AmKriCA nO HappY. IsNo GoOd.

PlEEZe tAkl AbUoT dOg fUd.

Tahnk u,

i aM StRewtA

[Brought to you by: Greg]

MOM, DON'T READ THIS

My mother's mother died last Friday but I just found out this morning at work. I was returning a call to my brother's text stating "call me i'm breaking up with my boyfriend". I called to make sure he hasn't shaved his head or started having cocktails for breakfast and he tells me our Grandmother died.

I think I've only met her three or four times in my life. I remember she smoked a lot and was really small. She had these big bug eyes and a nice smile and I got my blonde hair from her. I think I was in high school the last time I saw her. She stayed in my room. We had to wash the drapes after she left.

I didn't know her at all. All I ever heard was that she was really mean, nuts and had been her whole life. She once sent me five dollars in a birthday card for cab-fare. I was in Junior High and I lived in TX. I'd never even ridden in a cab and the card came about six months before my birthday.

In all of the old photos our family has of her, she is unbelievably beautiful and looks the spitting image of Bette Davis.

My mother once told me a story about coming home from school and she found her mother sitting in the dark, in the parlor with all of the shades drawn. She was chain smoking and talking to the television set that was turned off.

I always picture it in black and white.

I hope my mom is ok. She spent most of her young life trying to protect her brother and sister from her mother and most of her adult life trying to protect my brother and I from having to deal with someone like her.

She says she has dealt with it. She told me that no one wanted to give her mother a service or memorial and so they weren't. That was when I cried.

ElectroCUTEd Puppy

I am sitting across from this 31 year old 'go getter'. His name is Amir Levin and he is the charming, energized inventor of the Kaboost, Portable Chair Booster. We are in his very nice, very modern SoHo living room. He's in a chair with his legs spread, elbows on his knees, fingers together. He is a little intense and a little twitchy, using short, succinct sentences. I am on the couch, my palms pressed together and squeezed between my thighs in front of me. I'm trying to sit up straight. I'm in full drag, nice skirt, heels and I'm even wearing fake glasses. I have perfect vision.

He is firing me.

This is the second time in my life I've ever been fired. The first was when I attempted to be a hostess in a little Thai fusion restaurant that no longer exists. The owners were very sweet and trusting when I demanded $15 an hour. I often sat people according to how I felt they looked aesthetically in the restaurant. I'd never hosted in my life. I assumed it was easy enough work that I could learn on the job but no one trained me...in English. Thank goodness we never had more than five parties at a time. I had no clue. After two months they hired a college student at $10 an hour. She also waited tables. Much more bang for their buck. I was 'not vely good hostess'.

But THIS....THIS KID....THIS RICH, TRUST FUND KID...was firing me. I'd only worked for him for two weeks and after day three he was asking me for things I was simply not qualified to do....but this job wasn't like the hostess thing I lied my way into...our interview, where he literally shook my hand and hired me on the spot...was me explaining I could assist him in setting up an office but I was not capable of being his accountant. He only wanted me to know Quickbooks and I told him I knew some but I could learn more with time. Day three he wanted a report on his inventory. I was still putting software on the brand new computer and setting up his voice mail. I didn't even know he HAD inventory.

Every night I took the laptop and Quickbooks for Dummies home and every morning I was up early, eager to get through my to-do list of setting up his home office while at the same time researching a real office to move us to. I was to be the Office Manager and eventually...his sidekick. I was all aflutter with new ideas for branching off of the Kaboost. I was ready and committed. So committed, I'd quit my prior job giving them only two days' notice. I was asked not to come back at all. That was a nasty taste in my mouth and I don't like to burn bridges like that. That was the old me, not anymore! But I choked it down while I lit the match knowing I was going to have a lot more money and a whole new life! Idiot.

Sure, on day four he told me not to come in too early because he had a date that night and he wanted privacy the next morning. Sure, in the middle of my trying to deal with his off-shore warehouses he spent 15 minutes showing me where to get his favorite paper clips. Sure, on day five I overheard him micro-managing his daily housekeeper on how to prep his daily laundry. This guy was so SURE of himself that he could and would make a split decision and the 'cost' was never an issue for him. He knew everything. He was always right. He had lots of money.

Do NOT get me wrong ...I got burned 'cause I hopped on his hope train and it was a blaze. He was very smart and worked very hard. His ideas were brilliant and he truly became an over-night success. American dream stuff and I admired him. I knew there were a lot of dangers that go with the success he was managing and I was impressed with his knowledge, his energy, his follow-through, his two bedroom SoHo apartment.

I just thought he would let me do the job.

I found out later the girl before me lasted a month...the girl after me (an accountant) a week.

So, I'm trying not to cry in front of him and when he pulls out his wallet and hands me $200 for my 'trouble', the little pride angel on my shoulder snubs her nose so I decline. Then I look at that money and I know this is nothing to him and everything to me. Pride-schmide. It's not like he was my pimp. Sometimes you should take the money. I call my temp company and tell them. They say I deserve the 'tip' and they are disgusted at his lack of tact. I sob while I walk all the way home. I have NO job.

A month goes by.

I started this blog the second day of my next temp assignment. Greg and I had just come back from Amsterdam and my life was changed. Shortly after, I got the gig I have now and I continue to feel changed...in a good way...

There are so many ways to describe my Kaboost experience....Silver Lining...God shuts a window, opens a door...

I like to think about Stewart and what happened to him the other night while we were at home. He was under the couch, chewing on something and we heard a YELP! He came running out.

Mouse? Bug?

Greg grabs a flashlight. I hold the little guy and dart to the other end of the sofa.

He was chewing on a wire. He seems much calmer now.