When I was 14 I quit ballet classes. I had been dancing since I could walk and explained to my mother at the ripe young age of 5 that I was going to live in New York City to be a 'Santa Claus Dancer' [a Rockette] and a waitress [I somehow already knew I'd need the day-job...and apparently I thought handing out food was cool].
By about nine I had a massive collection of tutus as well as photos of me in said tutus; drawers full of pink tights with holes in them; bobby pins followed me where ever I went and many many many blisters on my feet.
I'll never forget the day I decided to stop. I was so flippant. After school, in the middle of a toe class, I remember being tapped on my legs with a yard stick by my Turkish Torture Teacher [Tanju Tuzer] and I recall silently crying while trying to execute perfect tor jetes for him. I adored him. I looked down during a break and saw blood soaking through to the outside of my pink satin shoes. I had recently lost my toe nails on my big toes and the bleeding wouldn't stop. That was a big day! That was equivalent to drinking blood after your first kill. Only I think hunters wouldn't shoot each other in the face as often if they wore tutus.
Quitting. I stood there in the middle of class. In pain. In blood. Feeling very sorry for myself and decided I was done.
Not only do I recall Mr. and Mrs. Tuzer trying desperately to talk me out of the decision, I remember crying a lot afterwards. I couldn't even listen to the sound of a piano, I refused to go to the Nutcracker at Christmas and I was completely and utterly tortured whenever we drove past the ballet school.
I realize now why. I was IN LOVE with ballet. Absolutely IN LOVE. Only, Ballet and I weren't compatible anymore. I think I've always regretted that I didn't try harder. I let a little blood stop me. I think I've always wished I was stronger than that.
But maybe I was just smart. Completely overly-sensitive and guilt riddled but maybe I had good instincts. If I was done...and continued to keep going...without passion...without that 'DO OR DIE' behind my work...what would be the point? And I probably wouldn't have been "successful". There aren't many dilettante ballerinas. Hunters, yes....but you have to complete control of your mind, of every muscle, not to mention every emotion in your body if you want to be a dancer. And even then you probably won't 'make it'. I sound like such a nay-sayer but it is the reality. You better be prepared to love it enough to give up everything else. You better be prepared to love it enough to be a "failure". I just didn't.
Too proud to go back? Perhaps. Lord [and many others] know I've quit things before in the same fashion. But those quick, jump-off-the-cliff-with-out-looking-below-me choices did start to add up and collectively did a number on me a few years back. I found myself completely numb and unable to make any choices at all for fear I'd have terrible consequences to face...
...or worse...
REGRET.
But you HAVE to go forward or you get stale. You have to make a choice. Apathy kills.
I've spent the last five years saying I was quitting acting...then going back for just one more hit. A friend recently described what I was doing was like running into an ex on the street...you haven't talked in a while...you go out again...you make love again...you can't for the life of you recall why you broke up in the first place. Then he does that thing you hate that makes you cry and your eyes open up and you remember why you ran away.
So after you gather your senses, you turn around and look back at all of the things you stomped on and ignored to get back to this SAME place. You try to pick up the pieces you dropped, dust them off and give another go at the new thing. The thing that ain't a quick fix so it seems boring and hard compared to...well...dropping everything and falling in love...again.
They say you can't quit a habit without replacing it with another. I guess it is why drugs are so tough. How do you get the same buzz with out that pill...that needle...THAT STAGE...THAT AUDIENCE....THAT APPLAUSE!!!!!
Effort. Hard work. It is actually more difficult to inspire yourself to stay focused 'cause nobody else will do it for you and nobody will blame you for taking the shortest route to get 'what you want'. But I don't want to hit the fast-forward through the commercials in my life anymore. I want to take a look at them and learn a little bit about choice. Define my life. Be awake and aware and maybe challenge myself. And I also want to be realistic. I want 'it all'. I don't want ONE thing. The one thing that consumes me completely when I'm with it. And frankly I've stopped allowing myself to be consumed...so what good does that do? Do EVERYTHING 100%, but first make sure you want to do it. Right?
I sadly sadly sadly, heartbrokenly, listening to sad songs and not eating enough, hating all the happy people in the world decided I am quitting acting once and for all. I love you Thespis. It's not you, it's me.
And I suppose there is a chance I'll regret it. But I think I won't. I really did try. I really did give it a go in every way I knew how. And I just didn't want to give up certain things and work hard enough. And you know what? Maybe I am smart.
I will miss it so very very much. It will always be a part of me.
Just like the way my toenail grows a little funny at the tip.
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