Twelve Angry Excuses

Potential male juror in a three-piece-suit during voir dire: Each member of my wife's entire family was a victim of the Holocaust.

[Long, uncomfortable silence.]

Female judge, older, like Judge Judy: Because of this, do you believe you would not be able to judge this case fairly?

Three-piece-suit: Yes. [He is suddenly visibly flushed.]

Judge Judy: Thank you for sharing that information with us. Next. Please pass the micro...yes...pass the microphone. Juror number eight. Yes...the microphone.

African-American potential juror number eight looking like Bill Cosby dressed like Mr. Rogers: Yes. I am a...

Judge Judy: Please speak inTO the micro...

Cosby Rogers: I AM A FREELANCE JOURNALIST. I WORK FROM HOME AND I ALMOST DID NOT MAKE IT HERE TODAY ON TIME TO MEET YOUR APPOINTMENT.

Judge Judy: The time I set was 11:00a this morning. I realize you had to wait but that was due to circumstances beyond our control. They could not be helped. You think you will not be able to serve?

Cosby Rogers: No. I have a...

Judge Judy: Speak into...

Cosby Rogers: [Deep sigh.] I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION.

[Uncomfortable pause.]

Cosby Rogers: I have a mild case of Crone's Disease that debilitates me. I often do not know if I will be able to make it out of the house until I've been up for a few hours.

Judge Judy: You cannot leave your house?

Cosby Rogers: Sometimes I...

Judge Judy: Micro...

Cosby Rogers: SOMETIMES I CANNOT LEAVE MY HOUSE. I HAVE CHRONIC DIARRHEA.

[Very long, uncomfortable pause.]

Judge Judy: You feel you would not be able to serve?

Cosby Rogers: NO.

Judge Judy: Thank you for sharing that information with us. Please pass the microphone. Juror number nine.

Average, middle-aged, male potential juror number nine in average clothes with a nice smile and a striking velvet, violet scarf: Yes. I have no reasons I feel I could not serve except you should know my partner and I have tickets to New Orleans for Mardi Gras next week.

Judge Judy: As I said before, this case will be tried every Monday through Wednesday beginning next week.

Liberace: Yes. We leave Monday night.

Judge Judy: If you get selected you will have to change your ticket. Next.


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I never got picked for 'voir dire' although every morning I prepared for it. Before I entered the court room I mentally reviewed how I would answer Judge Judy's questions:

Judge Judy: Where do you live?

Potential female juror looking a bit sleep deprived and wearing a Law & Order T-shirt: 348 West 49th Street

Judge Judy: Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

L & O Groupie: No, Your Honor. Madame Judge.

Judge Judy: Have you ever been witness to a crime?

L & O Groupie: No, Your Honor.

Judge Judy: Have you ever been a victim of a crime?

L & O Groupie: Yes, M'am. I had my wallet and cell phone taken out of my purse and twice a homeless man showed me his penis.

Judge Judy: I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think those events would keep you from being a fair and just juror.

L & O Groupie: Oh no, Your Honor.

Judge Judy: Good. Have you ever known anyone who was a victim of a crime?

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I thought about my answer to this question each time she asked a potential juror. "Of course I have...I live in NYC!" I've had friends stabbed, shot at, run over, exposed to, attacked, mugged. Crimes are committed within a five foot radius around most of us at any given moment!

I decide I don't want to confuse things:

L & O Groupie: No M'am.

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Wait. If I say no, she'll know I'm lying. I live two blocks away from Times Square. I've called the police twice on my downstairs neighbor. I live next door to a drug rehab center:

L & O Groupie: Yes.

[Pause.]

Judge Judy: Yes?

L & O Groupie: Yes.

[Pause.]

Judge Judy: Can you please explain?

L & O Groupie: Um. No.

Judge Judy: No?

She asks again. I turn red. I start to cry then babble on about how I really really really want to be on the jury and how I've wanted to since I was a kid and if I had studied harder, no, not been an actor, no, won more cases on the debate team...well...I only did one debate...and that was 'cause I was at a speech tournament to do my monologue from The Fantasticks and the other half of the debate duo missed the bus therefore rendering our school disqualified...

[Music: DUN DUN.]

[Cut to: 'TCI PRISON, FOND DU LAC, WISCONSIN'. Close-up on L & O Groupie lighting a cigarette. Camera pulls out to reveal she has aged 25 years...]

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It is probably best I'm back at work but I thought about calling in sick this morning because of the Holocaust.