"Oooohhh. As long as we got each other..."

I've been waiting to write another post. Every morning the urge hits me, I pull up my account and sign in. Then I sit there and check email. I'm not sure what to say.

I have several topics in my head. I'm exploring many issues these days. I think they all boil down to one thing that I'm not proud of admitting: fear...(or is it pride?) What if anyone reading this feels like rolling his/her eyes, or, heaven forbid, gets pissed at me...or even worse...sees a side of me I thought I was hiding from the world. A shameful side.

White People Problems. I think Chris Rock said it? When I hear the evil voice in my head ask silly questions about my actuality I can't ignore her. I call her Jan. (I'm kidding.)

I call her Susan.

(Joke!)

Ethel.

(Alright!)

.....Rather than seek answers - 'cause I couldn't possibly ignore her - I punish myself for feeling anxious about illusory issues like 'defining myself'. I can't help but want to vomit a little in my mouth.

At least I have legs.

See? Shame. I'm not talking about sex toys or something you'd hide from your Grandpa... or the FCC... taboos are taboo these days... what celebrity has not been dissected in the name of journalism? Judged and reprimanded for personal choices? Fame does not make someone righteous or responsible or smart, just popular. And back in the beginnings of your mini-society [Jr. High] do you recall any of the popular folks being particularly gracious or generous or good at physics? John Hughes built an entire empire on the beginnings of this odd little expectation we have about our beloved. The Beautiful People, The Beautiful People. I think the entire basis of Marketing and Advertising starts here. Oxy was our first tube of confidence. [Still mine.]

Do you think popularity is the microwave for the meaning of life? Under cooked in certain places, burned in others... severe molecular damage?

People I admire appear to not care what others think about them. Censorship is paralysis. Again, probably why I admire those afflicted with Down Syndrome. I use the term 'afflicted' lightly. And probably why I've dated some real gems. A life-loathing soul can wear a lion's suit like anyone else. Costumes are an expression but ain't it great when it fits the character just right?

So many good things in my life. Growing pains are lovely. Truly. I'm so glad I'm not ten anymore. Although I got more sleep. My worst nightmares were about getting up in front of class without pants. Last night I dreamt I was pregnant and the war in Iraq moved to NYC... oh and for the second time I had to perform surgery on my friend in the hospital... this was of course after I had to drive through the desert to find Greg and hide him from the militia... they'd already taken my brother...